It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.