If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"