Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.