I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.
She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.
She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.
Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.
So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.
This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.
So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.
But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!
You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.
(Aaron M. Delao)
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.