It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?