What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
I think, therefore I’m single.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..