Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
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