What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.
She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.
She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.
Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.
So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.
This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.
So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.
But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!
You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.
(Aaron M. Delao)
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER