Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.
And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.
But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.