You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
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