A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
You know what they say? Words.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.