Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
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