What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
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