"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
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