There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

— Ogden Nash

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?

Groovy.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg

It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.

Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.

(Anonymous)

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

Knock knock.
Come in.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.