Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
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