Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Tamara.

Tamara who?

Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!

What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows

(Anonymous)

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.

A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.

What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!

There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.

It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.

What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

"Now We Are Six"

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.

– A.A. Milne

How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!