What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Go to BabaMail
