It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
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