Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
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