What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
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