Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!

It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

"Grandparents' Advice"

Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!

– Mary R. Hurley

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"

What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.

Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.

What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.

(Martin Dejnicki)

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.

(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)

If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny

Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?

- Paul Curtis

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?

(Taylor Russell)

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.

Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.