“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
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