When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
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