The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
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