C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
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