A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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