What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Go to BabaMail
