What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
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