What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
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