A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
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