How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
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