What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
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