Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
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