Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
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