How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
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