Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
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