Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
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