I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Go to BabaMail
