What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
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