What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
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