A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
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