How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
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