What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
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