Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
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