A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
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