After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Go to BabaMail
