Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
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