Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
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