What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
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