Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
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