Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
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