What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Go to BabaMail
