What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
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