Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
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