A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
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