How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
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