I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
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