My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
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