A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Go to BabaMail
