Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
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