You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
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