For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.