For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
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