My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
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