What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”