What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
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