How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
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