Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
You know what they say? Words.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
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