What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
You know what they say? Words.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
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