How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.