How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
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