Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
You know what they say? Words.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
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