What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
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