What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.