My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."