"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.
The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!
Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.
As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.
So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.
But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!
- Denise Rodgers
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
I bet you I could stop gambling.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22