God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.