World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?