What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.