What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.