There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
"Five Little Acorns"
Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”
The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.
– Debbie Hill
"The Silliest Teacher in School"
Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.
We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.
The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.
“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”
– Darren Sardelli
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I think, therefore I’m single.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.