Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.