Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”