Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

– Emily Dickinson

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.

“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”

That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.

Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.

It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.

(Unknown)

Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."

Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make

Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.

Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.

Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.

(Joanna Davis)

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.