Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.