What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
