"Standing on a Chair"

I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!

You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.

I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.

I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!

– Steve Hanson

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.

(Anthony Gallagher)

Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

"Dear Brother of Mine"

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.

There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.

I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.

But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.

Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."

How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!

(Unknown)

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."

"And that?"

"Kitchen gun."

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

"Snowball"

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.

– Shel Silverstein

You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.

I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me

Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'

First you got an alligator.

Next came a giraffe.

Lions ride your elevator,

bears hide in your bath.

Bunnies,

chimps,

(a duck?),

raccoons.....

run amok through all your rooms!

Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!

(Lycia Harding)

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.

There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

"The Upside-Down World"

I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;

And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;

And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.

– Hamish Hendry

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.