“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.