There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?