Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.