What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.