Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?