A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?