What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?